still conflicted.

I thought I knew boy. I thought I had him all figured out. I was wrong; so very very wrong. Boy and I got together recently and had some serious chat. Boy wants to change, not for me or anyone else but for himself, which is how it should be. He has a desire to be a better person (not that he isn't already an awesome person) and he asked me for help getting there. As "best-friends" we got real and I am so grateful for that. It turns out Boy has considered dating me a few times, but for one reason or another never pursued me. The main deal breaker? Fear. We both have fear concerning the situatuation. I'm not entirely sure where his stems from. My fear was to tell him of my interest. I didn't want to lose a friend. Now however, that is all out in the open. My new fear is that in the time he takes to work on himself he'll find someone new. If that is the case, I really feel like I'll be happy for him. Naturally I'll be disappointed, but mostly just happy. He is a great boy. Now I'm playing the waiting game, but not really. I want so badly to just wait for him to come around and to over come his fear, but I know I can't do that. That may never actually happen. I hope it does, but so many things could get in the way. I have to go on living my life as if nothing has changed, because in reality nothing has. We're still best friends.

I'm still conflicted, but in a different way. I shouldn't count on him coming around, but I so badly want to.  Boy isn't trouble, but perhaps just troubled. 

Oh Boy. Why must this be so confusing?